Its almost evening and its been raining since morning. Everywhere wears a gloomy look. I don’t mind, it matches my mood.
I’m lying on the floor typing or at least trying to.
I’m crying again….the fourth time today. I try to write a happy story, a new post. Something motivating? Funny?
I write 5 words, and lose interest. The only stories I can think of are all sad. Heck the last few stories I’ve written have been sad. A bombing, a death…more deaths, shootings.
I can’t think happy thoughts. I can’t think neutral thoughts. The tv holds no joy. I kick my laptop away.
My inspiration’s gone.
Today’s sadness started after I’d gone shopping this morning. I had to get toiletries for myself. I’d seen my ex’s deodorant, thought of how much i liked the smell and went ahead to buy it.
It’s been 2 months since we’ve broken up and that is enough time to get over a person. Enough time for some….not enough for me. I need at least a year. As i paid for the deodorant, a little voice in my head told me i was still obsessed with him and it would be my undoing.
I had ignored the voice, gone home, had my bath and put on the deodorant.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life but this one takes the award.
I took just three seconds to register that I smelt like him.
I remembered his hugs, kisses and sitting by him watching a movie.
I sank to the floor as a fresh wave of tears hit me.
The last time i had cried over him was two days ago. Then I had told myself i’d never shed a tear for him again!
Six hours after my bath, I’m still lying on the floor, crying…..
I think again to myself….”i really should write a post, my readers will be waiting”.
My phone rings, Frank ocean’s “thinking of you”.
I can’t get myself to change it. Everytime the phone rings, some tears drop.
I look at a bottle of expired pills I had intended to throw out last night.
A little voice whispers…
Soft flowery voice.
I shake my head, “NO!”
This is just like the last time, three years ago.
I’d broken up with another ex i had caught cheating.
Then, i had looked down from the topmost floor of a five storey building and heard the same voice.
“Jump”, it had whispered.
I had considered, even raised a foot.
Stopping myself then was easy, my friends were standing some feet away from me.
Today, its just me, alone, in my darkened, gloomy room.
I hear the voice again, “What’s It gonna be. Peace or pain?”.
I pick up the bottle of pills, get out 14 of them….my phone continues ringing.
My feelings are those of intense hurt,anger, betrayal…..
There is no reason to live without him.
I pour the pills down my throat, choking a little as i do it.
In some minutes i feel blinding pain….followed by bliss.
The world fades out.
I can still hear the phone ringing,
Our song, my dirge.