I’m sorry I didn’t post last saturday and wednesday. I used to live in a sane area till the floods started. I’ve been displaced from my home and even if I wanted to live there king neptune style, I couldn’t because the network there has gone off. I had to do some major moving and now I’m in a room under the stairs, at my uncle’s house. Harry potter would laugh if he could see me now. I’m thankful though because I get phone signals here and my lovely readers can get my stories. Hope you like this story. Thanks for understanding, xoxo valerie”
As a kid I hated kids.
I thought they were imbeciles who didn’t know jack, the sad thing….they didn’t know jack!
I was too intellectually advanced for my age. Mum says I read Ayi kwei Armah’s “The beautiful ones are not yet born”, when I was four and I wrote a summary for her! Apparently she didn’t understand the book till she got my summary.
I had read the vagina monologues and knew how to solve permutation by age five. Play time for me was doing puzzles. No one was as smart as I was.
When I was in basic one, Anita’s best thing in the whole world was her doll ,tanya. She brought it to class everyday.
One day after break, everyone came back to find all tanya’s hair cut off. All the little girls cried…..who could have done such a wicked thing?
I sat at my desk, head down, trying not to burst out in laughter.
Minors!, I thought to myself.
I understood that I didn’t need to like the kids but I needed them to accept me in their “kingdom”.They all knew I was smart and I made them look stupid when we had our conversations.
I disliked them but I didn’t want to be the abnormal kid no-one talked to.
Over the long hols i researched a little, discovered that I needed to fall into a certain class to be somewhat accepted. They were the goths, popular kids/athletes, smart ones and the performers. I was already smart enough to lead the smart kids but i didn’t want to be labeled geek.
I decided I could be a performer, the comedic talking type to be precise not the mimes because I want to crack open their skulls with a boom box when I see them.
P.s: Then, I had no sense of humour whatsoever but heck they were books, I’d learn.
I downloaded a copy of “How to be funny for dummies”. A perusal of it and some practice on my siblings qualified me for the comedian extraordinaire award.
The new session came and I arrived at school, preened, white hanky pinned in front of my pink frock, looking like a perfect basic two fool.
I resisted the urge to answer every question that came up in class, fighting with my fingers not to be raised all the time.
Down hand down! Bad hand!.
In english class i was called to read out my essay on “My last holiday” (stupid topic by the way), I turned my creative holiday which I spent in swahili language class into 3 weeks spent at the new barbie resort.
I also spoke about ToTo the clown as if my life depended on it. I mentioned some of his jokes and did an imitation.
The class was in throes of laughter that day, I beamed at them, at the idiotic teacher who seemed not bored with my presentation for the first time in his mustache-less, bald life.
During break, the kids were nicer. Anita allowed me touch her new doll. Tolani who I had crushed on for a week gave me a tutorial on how to make his buzz lightyear fly.
The bell for end of school goes, I run home, fall on my bed, face aching because I was tired of pasting a smile all day.
The next day I do a repeat performance in idiocy during my music class where I pretend I can’t sing or play the right notes. My music teacher looks puzzled because he tutors me on mozart’s symphonies and he has heard me sing before that. For now, he can take a break to where the sun don’t shine, I’m about to get an encore here!
Its been 20 years and we’re all grown. Anita came around today to ask that I be the MC for her wedding.
I laughed, cracked some jokes and said yes. She left in a hurry, apparently she needed to go for a cake tasting session.
As her car purred down my drive way, my smile froze, I muttered to myself, “MC indeed, Now I hate you and your doll husband”.
My heart fills with evil thoughts on how to ruin the wedding.
I enter my secret lab angrily and work faster on my mind-control device,
“I’ve had enough! I’d rather rule the world than crack another joke”.