STAGE THREE: HAPPILY EVER AFTER/HAPPILY NEVER AFTER
The name says it all. You either have a good life, maybe some boyfriends and then the ONE (shielding my eyes from the light of his glory and hearing classical music) emerges.
1. You spend an outrageous amount on Lace Aso-ebi, and go on an extravagant honeymoon, have tush kids, train them in British intl. school, quarrel sometimes, get a divorce (you can then proceeed to stage four) or get over the quarrel and live happily ever after.
2. You get married in a little church, only your immediate family wears Aso-ebi which is not a special lace material but ankara. Five naira notes are sprayed at the wedding, your children go to Agege community school and you live happily ever after in your hut or NOT! There is no alimony in case of divorce in this second category of people so YOU WILL proceed to stage four.
Some chicks never get to this stage, there is some major heartbreak and they are turned off from guys for some time.They slip into stage four without knowing it and may be rescued or not. Many of them need therapy either provided by friends or a real therapist.
Then they are some chicks who are just too hideous and lack character so no guy falls for them. They do not go through any of the stages although stage four is sure for them.
(Shouting with a megaphone) CHICKS BELONGING TO THIS CATEGORY…PLEASEEEEEE MOVE TO STAGE FOUR, STOP HANGING AROUND, YOU ARE CREATING FOOT TRAFFIC BY STANDING HERE! EMMMMMM……THANK YOU!
STAGE FOUR: I DON’T GIVE A FLYING RACOOON
This is the stage where the girl has had it up to here (above head) with guys. Guys are like food when she’s had too much of it. her expression at this point is:
“If i see another chocolate colored, tall, sexy, rich guy (she might as well be referring to chocolate sundae),i throw up/kill my self.
All the poor girl wants to do is curl up and watch tv or go shopping or movie watching with her friends. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?. This stage happens either because she has had too many heartbreaks or she is tired of putting her goods on display and having a whirlwind relationship…which does not lead to marriage by the way. Many girls are at this stage in their lives.
In some stories, this girl ends up with a prince charming, who swooshes in on his golden horse (Technically, i think a golden horse can’t lift off from the floor. Its just too heavy!) and sweeps her off her feet when she least expects. Some other chicks just stay in this stage, they don’t bother about their appearance or impressing any guy. This is where they later turn into old ladies with cats and toys serving as their boyfriends and husbands.
P.S please feel free to skip between the categories, you can even go back to stage one from four if you get a major makeover,some self esteem and some new clothes.
DISCLAIMER: There are some girls who do not fall into any of these categories. If you are among the unfortunate ones, do not feel bad for yourself. It just means you are not a human being, go and report yourself to the National alien center. Better still go and jump off third mainland bridge. You are the ones making guys think women are too complicated. I have *getting upset at this point* tried to “uncomplicate” girls and you guys are still creating loopholes. Later when guys say women are too complicated, you people will JUST STARE and will not single yourselves out. God is watching you on 3D ohhh. PLEASE, put a neon sign over your heads saying: CULPRIT, so they’ll know its just you guys. Take your time oh. You have been warned!